10 thoughts

Well, they always say thoughts become actions, even though I truly wonder how true that statement is. Nonetheless, just wanted to list down some things that I wanna learn. Hopefully, when I look back, I would have completed at least... let's just put it at half

1) Cello
2) Electric guitar
3) Bass
4) Basketball
5) Boxing/Judo
6) Pilates
7) Saxophone
8) Ice Skating
9) Squash
10) Skateboarding

Spread your wings

Fly freely from now on, without any pain or sufferings. I hope everyday of your life will be filled with happiness from now on. Find you true love, po po, in heaven or wherever you are now and either live happily in the clouds forever, or reincarnate together and be a loving couple once more. Even though I never really talked to you, I chanced upon the pictures of you carrying me when I was one month old and for some strange reason, I instantly felt closer to you. Thank You for always trying to talk to me when we go back and visit you. Even though your words are incoherent, I truly feel your love and concern for us. Spread your wings and fly high, for you have became an angel.

Free...... for now

Finally, the day that I have been waiting for for a really long time. The day that I fantasize about till I can't sleep. Okay well perhaps I'm exaggerating a little, but honestly, I feel like I'm bursting with happiness. Really just feel like getting away from all these and just... be free. Like really. I'm really enjoying my freedom now but sadly, it's not gonna last for long. I just feel like, this is not the life I want to live. But to have your wish come true, you have to make sacrifices first. My beautiful beautiful dream is to design and build my very own house right in the middle of this wide grass patch in England and all that surrounds me are lakes, flowers, the grass and the abundant endless sky, Ciel.  As the old old saying goes, No pain, No gain. Well, I really do hope I'll gain something.

Get well soon

My maternal side of the family stays in Malaysia, so I rarely get to see them, most likely just once a year. Also, my grandfather used to smoke in the past and hence has a really bad voice now, so I could rarely hear what he was saying every time we met. We rarely communicated, and the only thing I said when I see him was "公公" We didn't have anything in common as we only saw each other once a year. However, a few days ago, or rather just yesterday, my aunt called and said that 公公 had a stroke. Yet, they couldn't do an operation on him as his heart is too weak. Even if he did one, he would most probably not pass through it. Currently, there are a few blood vessels that has burst in his brain but there is nothing we can do about it. I do not really know how I feel because after all, I am not very close to him. However, I sincerely pray to God and hope that God will bless him and allow him to pass through this. One of my closest family member has just passed on and I really can't take another. Well, I just don't want Mummy to be sad once again. I know that 公公 is a very strong man. God, please give me the strength that he needs just like how you have blessed Nei Nei. Help him get through this ordeal and be a healthy man once again. Even though the hopes are small, there will always be a glimpse of light at the end of the tunnel. 2013 has given me a very important message. Health is really the most important thing in life.

I hope this is true

If this is true,

God, I hope that you will love and protect Grandma and be her new family member, with all the other angels up there in that beautiful paradise. I strongly believe that she still exists and she is enjoying herself up there, watching us from above. Playing chess, chatting with others, watching the TV, taking a stroll in the park. Does she really do that in heaven? Or has she already reincarnated and forgot all about us. Death and after life still remains a big and deep mystery in my heart. But if the poem below is true, then I feel happy for her because she no longer has to suffer here and has moved on to a beautiful place with her friends and family with her.

The day God called you home 

God looked around his Garden
and found an empty place.
He then looked down upon his earth
and saw your loving face.
He put his arms around you
and lifted you to rest.
His Garden must be beautiful, 
he always takes the best. 
He knew that you were suffering, 
he knew you were in pain. 
And knew that you would never 
get well on earth again. 
He saw your path was difficult, 
he closed your tired eyes, 
He whispered to you "Peace be Thine" 
and gave you wings to fly. 
When we saw you sleeping 
so calm and free of pain, 
We would not wish you back to earth 
to suffer once again. 
You've left us precious memories, 
your love will be our guide, 
You live on through your children, 
you're always by our side. 
It broke our hearts to lose you, 
but you did not go alone. 
For part of us went with you 
on the day God called you home. 

奶奶，你看得到这首诗吗？如果你看得到，那你可以放心，不用再害怕，因为耶稣非常爱你，他一定会保护你，给你一个温暖的家。我们会永远记得你，永远永远的爱你。你不用担心我们，我们都长大了，会好好的照顾自己。原谅我多年来的任性，我现在后悔的是当你在的时候我没有好好的珍惜你，好好的孝敬你。你在天堂还过的开心吗？我相信你已经在天堂遇到小叔了。不要自责，小叔的死不是你的错。我在这里会永远的记住你们俩的。我永远爱你。

How does heaven look like?

I am really afraid that I will forget all my memories with her as the time goes on. I hope I will never forget them.

Grandma has passed away for around a month now, and there is not a single day that goes by without me missing her. Her face, her smell, her body, everything about her. I regret not truly tasting her cooking and taking every week's visit to her house for granted. Thinking that all the food on the table just magically appeared and never once thanked her for all the effort that she puts in everytime to present that table of food to us.

She knows I like 梅菜扣肉, potato with sausage and tomato sauce and she will always cook it every single time. She always smiles at me and tells me to eat more. I will always tell her 很好吃 and she will always smile, feeling really happy and accomplished that her grandchildren likes what she cook. I will never have the chance to eat 炒米粉 every 初一 of Chinese New Year and give the oranges to her, wishing her 新年快乐，寿比南山。

Her time has passed but I know that she is happy because she has lived a long happy life. I know that she has no more regrets and she has lived her life fully. People might say her time is up, but I beg to differ. I feel that her time has only just started. A whole new adventure and experience for her to live again. I know that she is not lonely where ever she is now, because she has brought a piece of our love from each and every of us when she left.

I feel that she has never left because her memories are still with us and her super-woman attitude, never giving up and never succumbing to life. Till the end of her journey (or rather the new beginning of her journey), she continued to put up a brave fight and finally embarked on her new journey peacefully with no regrets.

She will always be the warrior in my heart.